What's it all about?

Well...

This site is, at present, is under construction you might say. Much like life itself I don't quite know what it's all about. It's partly, well it's partly something new, and new things are often attractive, fascinating. It seems like a cool idea, having your own website. It feels important. I would like to do something important.

Partly, as I get older, I can't help but to look around me and see the futility in spending yourself in the working world; or at least, in my corner of the working world. That's not to disparage or belittle it by any means, I have spent my whole life in those/these trenches just like many if not most of you so please, don't take offense for none is intended. I just, I look around me and see those who have spent even more time in that world and what they have gained for their efforts and the evidence of it paying off in the end seem to be heavily lacking. I see that their bodies start to fail them, it's not always obvious because it's kept hidden as best it can be, but if you know any of them particularly well as I have and do, you know it's happening and that the same will also be your fate. It would be an acceptable trade-off perhaps if at the end of it you could sit back and see that your efforts were well rewarded and because of that it was worth it to be able to springboard your children a little further ahead, but when you realize that in the end all you'll be left with is a broken body and spirit and that the rewards were not even good enough to pave a better path for you children, it's just too much too bear.

Which leads me to this part of the partly about, and I can't help but to think foolishly, this site is, begrudgingly a sort of hope; which I have taught myself as best I am able not to do. Hope that maybe I can create something that will turn into something; open up new avenues, present new possibilities. I don't know what those avenues and possibilities are.

I grew up fairly religious though not seriously into it myself as my my teenage years began. Later on, I had pangs of conscience (although in retrospect I do believe it more accurately was probably a heavy obsessive episode of my diagnosed obsessive-compulsive disorder) that caused me to actively seek out the, "ways of the lord". A few years of actually studying led me to some serious questioning of my beliefs to where, after the fourth or fifth year, I started the slow process of falling away from them. Today I consider myself agnostic.

At some point after my religious phase, years later I believe, I thought well, religion certainly didn't answer any of the big questions about life I had, so I thought I would turn to science and philosophy. At first, like religion, it seemed like I was finally going to be embarking on the path of understanding and yet, over time and much reading I have found these endeavors to be lacking in any sort of fulfillment as well; leaving me again with more questions than answers.

So, where I am at today with my understanding of life feels no closer than after having turned to either religion or philosophy. That is a difficult place to be. It is a place called, as I understand it, nihilism. Which, in an under-educated way of putting it is the belief that life is ultimately meaningless. I'm not sure that I am a full nihilist, because having taken the basic position of an agnostic, leaves open the possibility that there could be a god. Now, if there is no god then certainly life is objectively meaningless, it can only have the meaning we create for ourselves. The alternate I cannot help but feel to be even worse than that. The alternate being that, if there is a god as described in christianity or islam or judaism, I can't help but see him as ultimately being the original narcissist, egotist, cruel and selfish being.

So, as you can see unfortunate reader, the direction of this website thus far has the appearance of being about many things and nothing all at once. But for that very reason, because it is so broad, my hope is to be able to share my various wandering thoughts through a creative means (playing with developing a website) in a way that will be at least interesting enough to garner some attention/interaction and perhaps prove to be at least to some degree a sort of cathartic outlet for my troubled mind.